Good morning USA! (Spoken just like Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam)

Okay, so the next step on my weight-loss journey, is to actually get up and visit a gym.  There’s this LA Fitness not too far from me that I’ve always toyed with the idea of joining.  Since it’s on a main road, I pass it almost everyday.  I get my gas at the BJ’s right next door and I’ve been to the Ruby Tuesday right in front.  So now was my chance to take a look-see inside.

Not wanting to join the first gym that cross my path, I first went on-line and googled to see if they offered a free trial membership. (okay, okay, it’s not that I didn’t want to join the first gym, I just wanted to delay parting with my cash as long as I possibly could…I’m sure you understand). And, quite to my delight, they offer one full week free.  (I’ve learned that most gyms will give you at least one free day or two…even if they say they don’t will generally call you back in a week or so to offer you a free class or something.  Of course they hope you fall in love with the place and ultimately join.  If your will power can be as weak at mine, you’re gonna want to stay far, far away from any free trials at gyms that are outside of your predetermined budget…otherwise you’ll just blow the bank because some of these gyms offer spa services, healthy dining, clothes shopping, and some of the best eye candy around (ladies, I’m not talking about M&Ms)!  So, if your budget doesn’t permit, just stay away…you’ll thank me later).

So, first thing the next morning (okay, okay, I procrastinated so it was really early afternoon) I went into the gym to experience LA Fitness.

Okay.  First, let’s get some things on the table.  I am more than willing to admit that I may, and I say may, be a persnickety Woman (read: nice way of saying she’s high maintenance).  However, I prefer to say that I aspire to excellence in all endeavors (read:  even nicer way of saying she’s high maintenance).  And, quite frankly, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Ab-so-lute-ly nothing.  Moreover, I believe that if I’m giving you my hard-earned moolah, the level of service you provide ought to rise to the level of the amount of money you’re requesting (read: she’s definitely a high-maintenance Woman).  That said, let us debrief my visit.

So when I first walk in, I might as well have been the routine water delivery boy because not a soul at the desk greeted me.  The main greeter was busy texting on her cellphone (please, oh please, don’t get me started talking about people texting while doing everything…while crossing the street, while driving their car, while ‘working’ their job…soon u’ll hear of folk filing for divorce because their spouse was texting while sexing…hehehe, that was sorta funny…).  Anyway, while she was busy texting, her sidekick was busy counting his personal money while chatting it up in her ear.  After standing at the counter for a while, I was greeted only after a member came in to show their card for entry.  When I was assisted, the young lady was very polite and asked me for both my free trial voucher and my driver’s license.  Now — I would have been perfectly fine with the idea of jotting down or entering my information into the LA Fitness database and then returning my license to me…but Nooooo, they keep the driver’s license and tell you to pick it up, from the manager no less, on your way out.  Fine.  Their store.  Their rules.  Great.  (Actually, we’ll get to why it wasn’t so great later).

So anyway, I go change in the dressing area.  And, I must say that the dressing area was quite nice.  There were ample lockers and seating areas.  There were plenty of bathroom stalls and there was a cleaning lady moving about making sure everything smelled fresh and looked great.  (Score 1 for LA Fitness)

I decided I’d do 30 minutes on the treadmill.  And, if I wasn’t convinced about joining a gym before, I certainly was after the treadmill.  While I had been used to walking outside for more than 30 minutes for the past few weeks, I burned more of a sweat on the treadmill.  For some reason, I was surprised by that.  I thought that walking was walking, but being on the treadmill actually allowed me to set a high incline and forced me to walk at a fixed pace.  That meant no slowing down to re-tie my shoe, or take a look at some foliage that I’ve seen umpteen times before.  Basically, the treadmill removed any distractions and, given my competitive nature, forced me to rev up my speed from time to time.  (Score 1 more point for LA Fitness).

Then, I saw a trainer milling around and asked him for some advice on strength training (more on strength training in another post).  His workout was the best thing about my visit because I discovered just how out of shape I am.  After 30 minutes with the trainer, my lower body was in pain for a full week!  (Score 6 and 7 for LA Fitness). Also, he taught me a few moves that I can try later, when I start strength training.  (rack up another 2 points for LA)

Now, it was almost time to leave.  So, I went back to the dressing area to take a shower and change.  As I entered the shower area, I couldn’t believe what I saw.  First off, there were only a handful of showers.  At the time I was there, that was fine but how about before and after work hours?  Will I have to ‘take a number and wait’ to take a shower.  And, worse yet, the stalls seemed icky!  In the interest of full disclosure, I am not really a fan of showering elsewhere in the first place.  I like my shower.  At my own house. Which, I know is clean.  And where there aren’t any puddles of water pooling about the entire area.  One wrong step and my behind is on the ground.  That alone, made it hard to be a fan.  But, the matter I could not look beyond was the $.99 half-transparent shower curtains. What exactly were they thinking?!?  As it is, I don’t like public displays of nudity, but tell me, why, oh why, would I need to take a shower behind a transparent shower curtain.  Clearly, the only purpose of the curtain would be to retain water inside the stall, because it did not provide any, and I mean ANY, privacy (and, they didn’t even do a good job of keeping water in the stall either…remember the part about puddles of water pooling about the entire area).  And tell me, if I don’t have a full length mirror in my own shower to look at myself soaping up, why would I need or ever want to see anyone else soaping themselves up?  I don’t!  What prompted them to spend all that money on the rest of the facility just to skimp on shower curtains.  Ugh!  What a disappointment!  (Minus 5 for LA Fitness…did I mention I was a tough grader).

After dressing, I compromised that I could conceivably take showers at home.  That would either mean adding time to a morning commute (darn those cheap shower curtains…while humorously pumping one fist in the air) or go to the gym at the end of the day (maybe that’s why everyone goes to the gym after work…so they can shower in their own homes…I don’t blame ‘em….thinking about those showers has me feeling icky just typing this).  Okay.  O-kay.  Maybe there were viable solutions to shower curtain-gate (did I mention that people say I’m overly dramatic…I know, hard to believe, right?) (overall, add 2 more points back for LA Fitness).

Alright, so let me get my license and leave, right?  Oh, not so fast Woman.  They keep your license so they can lay on the HARD SELL at the end when they think you’re too exhausted to think clearly.  Now, this is where it gets real interesting (read: nice way of saying it got down right ugly). I’m told that the manager, John, has my license and he “just wants to get some feedback on your visit with us today”.  Fine, being the hospitable Woman that I am, I oblige. (smile, dimples puckered in tight!)

Neverminding the fact that I’m tired and have places to go (okay, okay, so I don’t really have anywhere important to be, but that doesn’t mean I wanna spend anymore time in the gym talking to this dude), I politely give my feedback about my experience that day.  I highlight all the great points about the gym…it looks great, it’s close to home, has a pool, is clean, no one’s gawking at you, etc.  All fine points and they were received by John with pride.  But then, I mention my one and only reservation; my one and only hesitation.  That’s right, I mentioned the shower area (please don’t make me re-hash…just see above).  “No one’s ever complained,” I’m told.  (I’m thinking:…that’s nice, but “No one” isn’t here right now, Woman is).  “You’re just making excuses,” I’m told.  (I’m thinking:…Really? Is trivializing my concern your best sales tactic?  hmmm, I see where this is going…)  And, among other things, I’m asked, (in what I note to be a quite condescending tone, btw), “When are you going to stop making excuses and finally lose the weight for yourself?”

Now, say what now?  (I’m thinking:…John might as well have cursed at me because those were ‘fighting words’.  And, as such, it was ‘on’!  Who does John think he is?  Are you in the therapy business now too?  Look John, to be the site manager, I would first expect you to have the banging-est body in here.  But, you don’t!  And you don’t see me asking you why you haven’t toned up in a bit, huh?  Because how you keep your body is none of my business (politically, I could go on and on about this, but I won’t…thank me later).  Please, oh please, don’t make the mistake of equating my being overweight with being dumb, lazy, gullible or in need of your reverse-psychology.  I came here to give LA Fitness a chance to earn my moolah.  And, you almost did until you looked at me through your lens of pre- and ill-conceived notions.  Instead of saying any of that out loud, I simply said…)

I’m not making any excuses,, John.  Call me high maintenance if you want to, but the showers are not up to par.  Given the look of the rest of the gym, you should actually have personal stalls with actually doors and not cheap curtains.  But, more importantly you’ve treated me rudely.  If I needed to make excuses, I wouldn’t have come here in the first place.  But don’t worry, I won’t be back and I’ll be sure to mention you in that blog I told you I write.  In fact, you’ve earned a prominent role (that’s right, you guessed it…in that very moment, I knew exactly what I would name my fat.).  If this is the way you treat women that come here, this is not the gym for me. (I say as I storm out).

Not wanting those hours to be a total loss, I asked myself what I learned from visiting this gym:

• I’m, definitely joining a gym because my cardio workout made me burn more calories.
• I’m holding  off on starting strength training until I have loss at least 10% of my total body weight because my body just isn’t ready yet.
• I’m naming my fat John, because he is the biggest, most recent jerk I’ve met (surprise we never dated…lol)
• And, that I’m an emotional eater, because boy did I want some KFC (although they are at least a full block or two away, I could smell them like they were next door)! But, John was not going to get the best of me.  I would not be eating KFC (I don’t really like fried foods and haven’t even eaten KFC in years).  Nor would I have any peanut M&Ms (for which I really did long).  Nope.  None of that.

Because with two weeks in, my most important take away is that I’ve developed stronger will power. Yup, we’re on my our, baby!  Because this is…

WOMAN vs Weight!

~~~with Love, WOMAN

Hello World,

Well, if you’re as serious about losing your John as I am, at some point in time, you’re gonna have to work out.  And, if you’re anything like me, you don’t really like working out.  I hear there are these people who claim to just love, love, love working out.  (Quite frankly, I think those people are just like unicorns…i.e., I’ve never met one personally.)  Now, it makes perfect sense that you would enjoy what I’ll call the by-products of working out…i.e., being able to think in peace, socialize at the gym, or just plain losing weight.  And, that’s all fine and good.  But enjoying the process?…To be clear, I enjoy working out as much as I enjoy (hmm, let me think…) getting up in the morning to go into a crummy job on a sunny Monday in July.

But, fact of the matter is, if I’m gonna lose weight sensibly, I’m gonna have to work out.  Ugh!  Now that we’ve swallowed that bitter pill, we have to think about what we’ll do as part of our workout plan.

In the past, I have always used a treadmill to work out.  In fact, I bought one when I was 20-something.  Walking just seems so easy and natural.  And, while using my perfectly well-functioning treadmill might ordinarily be a no-brainer option, I can’t.  You see, for the past 6 months, my treadmill has been relocated to my overfilled (think TV show Hoarders…not really, I just like that show and wanted to shamelessly plug it) garage.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: So, why don’t you just clear out the garage and start using your treadmill?  To that I jokingly say:  Hey, you stop muddying the issue here with your logic, okay!  Clearly, I need a viable solution (I mean, you don’t actually want or expect me to tackle all those boxes of items I will someday use in the dream house I will someday own.  Or to get rid of the items I will someday pass down to the daughter I will someday have, do you?).

So basically, I have two choices, either I start walking outside, or I join a gym (okay, okay, so maybe there is a distant third choice of me cleaning out my junky garage…but in my world, that’s a very, very d..i..s..t..a..n..t  third option…after all, this is not WomanVsWaste).

The Great Outdoors:  I live in downstate New York.  While our outdoors may be many a thing, great they aren’t  There are no quaint winding countryside roads, no meadows with birds chirping to the tune of Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music (yup, just another shameless plug), or mountain tops to proudly rest atop after an early morning run.  Nope.  None of that.  Instead, we have asphalt roads sprinkled with potholes, uneven concrete sidewalks sprinkled with cracks (both kinds…she quips as she types while chuckling), and grass (really weeds…again, both kinds) sprinkled with litter and dog poop….Ahh, boy do I Love New York (she says while singing the popular jingle and taking in a deep breath of NY smog)!  But enough of the accolades, there are also some not so nice features about walking outdoors.  In NY.  In the winter. …That’s right.  You guessed it.  It’s doggone cold!  And, truth be told, as a woman I don’t always like walking alone outside.  There are a lot of nuts out there (let’s face it…we may have a wee bit more that the average state).  And, although I would have my two dogs with me, I’m not so sure my teacup puppies really count and ferocious protectors…hmmm?

The Great Indoors:  (Okay, okay the indoors are not really that great, but my consistent sub-headings make my all-too-long-and-wandering-post more interesting, right?…Hello?  Hello!  Is anyone still reading this???)  I can’t say that I love gyms.  I do like the variety in equipment but I feel like it’s such a chore to go to the gym.  First you have to get up a little earlier to allow for travel time.  Then you have to actually make yourself look somewhat presentable.  Then you have to bring all your crap with you so you can shower, change and head off to work.  Or, if you go after work, you’re tired and not really interested in working out.  And, you still have to bring a load of crap to change into your workout clothes.  Then you have to drive all the way back home.  Boy, I’m exhausted just typing all that!  But, there’s one thing that puts the gym heads and shoulders above the great outdoors….think Climate Control.  When it’s raining outdoors, it’s dry in the gym.  If it’s snowing outside, the gym floors are snow free.  And, if it’s 90 degrees outside…Yup, the G.Y.M is air con-di-tioned!  You know what…maybe the gym is not that bad after all.

But, since I currently make 0-dollars and 0-cents, joining a gym was not in my initial plan.

To avoid the gym, I’ve always had that good ‘ol standby excuse of: ‘I just don’t have the time.’  And, I really thought I didn’t.  As women, I think we tend to make sure everyone else is taken care of first.  We make sure the kids are dressed and off to school; we make sure the dishes are washed and the home is tidy;  we get the laundry done and the groceries purchased; we make sure supper is ready (notice I didn’t say cooked since no one, and I mean no one, wants me anywhere near the stove) and the kids are fed;  then, we go to work and make sure things are in order there too.  And, somewhere in that frenzied, hectic life, we forget, or simply neglect, to make sure we are taken care of.  Somehow, we placed ourselves at the bottom of our own ‘To Do’ list.  Or, more accurately—We simply fell off our ‘To Do’ list!

So today, I resolve to put myself at the tippy-top of my list.  Because without a healthy ticker, nothing, AND I MEAN NOTHING, else on the list matters or gets done.

As an aside,…You know those safety announcements they give on airplanes.  The one where they show you where the exits are.  Well, a friend once pointed out that there is a reason why they tell you that in the event of an emergency, you must first place the safety mask on yourself.  Then, and only then, place safety masks on any children traveling with you.  Instinct might tell you to try to save your children first.  But there is one important principle that the airlines know.  Unless you’re at your best, you are no good to anyone.  Airlines wanna make sure you don’t die or pass out from the fumes while trying to put the mask on your loved ones.  Because if you perish, everyone perishes.  Everyone!

And, allowing yourself to maintain an unhealthy weight is absolutely no different.  If you’re no longer here, no one gets the kids ready for school.  No one puts little love notes in their lunchbox.  No one does their laundry.  No one helps them with their homework. No one reads them their bedtime stories, tucks them in at night and checks under the bed for monsters.  No one goes to their graduation.  No one tells them that they can be all that they dream.  No one supports them like mommy….or worse yet,…someone ELSE gets to!  I don’t know about you, but I’m not going out like that.  I’m worth my health.  My family is worth my health.  My dreams and goals are worth my health. WE are all worth going after our best health!

So tomorrow, I’m going to visit a gym.   By now we all know why.  Yup, because this is…

Woman Vs Weight!

~~~With Love, WOMAN

Dear World,

I really hope you took the time to create that Vision Board we spoke about last week.  I’ll confess that mine is actually not completely done yet (okay, okay, I’ve gone through about 5 of the umpteen magazines I received…you do remember that thing about my limited attention span, right?).  But don’t worry, it will be done over the course of the next 7 days.

I don’t remember (and googling was no help) who it was that coined the term ‘Onward and Upward’ but we’re gonna move on to the next part of our prep work.

Today is the day we put a price tag on our goal.  So sharpen those pencils or dust off (wait, am I the only one that doesn’t like to dust?)  your calculator because today we start talking numbers!  That’s right, you guessed it (well, you really didn’t need to guess because it’s right there in the title), today we are making our Weight-loss Budget!

The notion of creating a budget for this project actually came to me when I thought back to an idea I read many moons ago. (my TEENAGE son likes to refer to what I do as “reading” as he animates two quotes in the air because all I ever read are audiobooks while I drive him around town…the way I see it, he should just be happy that he’s getting a ride…in my day, we had to take the train or walk…oh wait, this rant is probably not relevant to this blog…).  In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that I really never made it through the entire book (you do also remember that thing about my commitment to details, right?)  I made it 2/3rds of the way through and thankfully the chapter on budgeting was in the beginning.  (May I also add: “what really takes 300 pages to say?!?   It’s not the Bible.  By chapter 8 OF ANY BOOK we really do get the gist…anyway, back to budgeting….).  The book, which was an interesting read, is titled: Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School.  (I’ll pause here while I wait for those of you who know me to stop laughing…).   Even though I was only 30 at the time and not REMOTELY looking to get hitched, I thought the title was cute and catchy and therefore worth a “read” (however, given that I am now 38 and single, maybe I should’ve read the entire book…lol...just kidding).  In any event, the book convinced me that any project, of any size, should be approached from a business model perspective. Therefore, never-minding the fact that I am sans-MBA, here I go!

If I could have your indulgence for a moment…..

Consider this the launching of a brand new product line, if you will.  Today, (well, 12 days ago, but who’s counting) I’m launching the new line called: ‘new-WOMAN’ by me (sorta like ‘She from Sheree’, except that I’m actually going to put some work into launching my product).  My new product will be healthier, leaner and lighter.  She’ll have the same great witty humor you’ve grown accustomed to (smile) but with 30% less fat (don’t you love how they say that on commercials) than the old-WOMAN.

But, how much will it cost to create this new-WOMAN?  That is the question of the hour.  Well, the way I see things, it is entirely reasonable to spend up to 10% of your earned income to create the body you want.

At first, I thought 10% was way too much.  So I did an exercise that convinced me that 10% is a minimum percentage.  I asked myself the following questions.  I said:  “Self…

• Do you own ANY products that starts with the letter “i” as in iPod, iPad, iPhone?  how much were you willing to spend on those gadgets?
• Do you have a recurring cell phone plan?  And, how much does that run you annually? (frankly, I don’t like paying all those extra taxes and fees just to have a conversation or send a quick text so I have a monthly, no-contract, unlimited plan)
• Do you pay for monthly cable television?  And, do you have the nerve to have any premium channels, huh? (personally, I’m way too much of a frugalista to pay for premium channels, but you get my point.….And, as long as I get my Housewives, what other channels matter?)
• About how much do you spend eating (and drinking) out every month?  (while I may be too cheap cost conscience to pay for premium channels or a $100 phone bill, I do take my libations seriously)
• And, how much have you spent over the years on every commercial, weight-loss product known to woman?” (I’m not really guilty of this one, but the question still fits.)

After examining what I do spend my money on, I decided that the launch of new-WOMAN deserved at least (if not more than) as much as I spend on telecommunications and entertainment annually.  And, for some of us that’s certainly well over a few thousand dollars (particularly when you factor in the cost of the (i)phone).  But, why stop there.  The fact of the matter is that you…we…are worth far more than the amount we spend to be able to speak to our friends or watch the Housewives (again, not that I plan on giving up the Housewives…this is not an either/or proposition).  We are going to have our cake and eat it too (I’m speaking figuratively here ladies…step away from the red velvet cheesecake).  In the words of Mary Kay Ash (I just loved her), “You Can Have It All!”

But, it’s not gonna come cheap.  So dig deep into your paycheck and come up with a realistic number…an amount you will invest in YOU to create your new-WOMAN.

Now, if you’re like me and are currently making zero dollars and zero cents, don’t let that stop you.  Again, if you have a cell phone and/or cable, you can afford to invest in the launching of your new product.  For me, I am going to set my figure at $1500. This will cover the cost of any gym memberships [more on this in a later post], personal training [more in a later post], work out gear (yeah, an excuse to go shopping), any materials I need for classes like Yoga or Pilates, and any workout equipment I may decide to purchase like an elliptical or weights, etc.  Based on that, I do think $1500 is reasonable…it’s more than I pay for telecommunications but not enough for me to decide one day to just go ahead and get liposuction (just kidding).

For me, this figure does NOT include the cost of the food I will be putting into my body.  That, of course will cost me a lot more annually!  But, I will save that calculation method for a later blog post (yeah, you get to hear me go on and on about another monetary matter!  I’m sure you can’t wait…)

So, whatever number you decide make sure it’s what you can comfortably afford to spend to launch your very own new-YOU.  Why?  Because you’re worth it.  After all, This is….

Woman Vs. Weight!

~~~WOMAN

Hello World!

Remember on Day 1 when we talked a little about goal setting?  Knowing me, I probably said something like:  ‘You have to set a goal that is so clear and vivid that you can see it in your mind’s eye.’  Well, this week we’re going to go from seeing things in your mind’s eye (essentially daydreaming) to seeing your goal(s) with your real eyes.  Yup, you guessed it…we’re gonna make a Vision Board!  Yippie! (okay, okay, I know we’re really not that excited about making this but I gotta’ say something to motivate us…)

Some of you may be thinking:  What the heck is a Vision Board?  To answer that, let’s do the following exercise.  First, imagine that you get to live in a remote area on a lush tropical island where all your basic needs are taken care of (i.e., food, shelter, clothing, etc.).  One day a young child comes along (okay, so it wasn’t that remote of an area) and you two strike up a lovely conversation.  During that conversation, she asks you:  If you could re-create your entire life so you could be anywhere, do anything, experience everything you love, and feel your most powerful, what would your life look like?  Once you have a picture of what that re-created life looks like, you have a vision for your future.  Once you attach pictures, quotes, and images to that vision, you have a Vision Board.  And, once you decide to take the next step and actually pursue that vision….well, in the words of motivational speaker Anthony Robbins, you have just Awoken the Giant Within!

So, let’s get started with that Vision Board.  First you’ll need a ton of magazines.  Personally, I spent weeks (well, really a few minutes…my attention span and commitment to details is not nearly that long) googling ‘how and where to get free magazines’.  No luck.  All the sites took me to places to subscribe to magazines so I could get one free introductory issue.  So, I spent the remainder of the week thinking about how to get free magazines.  Then, one day, just as I was walking into my local library to return a few books, a librarian was walking out with three tied bundles of magazines headed for the recycle bin.  I kindly asked him if I could have them.  And, as luck would have it, he was kind enough to cart the magazines over to my car and load them into my trunk.  Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together (yes, I was a fan of the show A-Team).

If you’re not fortunate enough to somehow find a free set of magazines, then you can search for ‘inspirational images and quotes’ on the internet.  From there you can print out images that evoke a feelings of strength & power.  These can be pictures of absolutely anything.  Don’t feel like you have to be limited to literal pictures that depict the life you love such as a nice house, car or boat.  Shoot for pictures that really resonate with your inner Giant.  And, since we are focusing on our weight loss goal, be sure to include images of things or places you would do or go to if your weight didn’t (needlessly) hold you back.  Perhaps you would like to skydive, wear a two piece bikini or mountain climb.  If you see a powerful image of a woman atop a mountain and that sparks something in you, clip and post it.  Maybe you’re not even into mountain climbing…but, who knows where that powerful image will take you.  [For more on creating a Vision Board, check out this great article on the topic (it's four pages so if you're pressed for time, I hope my cliff notes helped).]

I’m going to take a full week to create my Vision Board.  You may wanna do the same.  And, my Board will not be limited to my weight loss goal.  Currently, I have 5 larger life goals that I’m working on and my weight loss journey is just one part of one of my life goals.  Therefore, my board will capture all 5 goals…and, we’ll see what happens…

You may be thinking that this is a lot of prep work just to shed some extra pounds.  But, remember, this journey should be bigger than just a diet; bigger than the pounds you’ll shed.  This journey is a life transformation.  This journey is….(cue in momentous beat)

Woman Vs Weight!

~~~WOMAN

Hello World,

Boy did I wish I would just wake up the day after breaking up with John and he would be gone… disappeared…poof!  But no, there he was just taking up space next to me in the bed.  Quickly, I was reminded of two women I met (independently of each other), who were going through a divorce.  Both women were living in the house with their respective husbands during the divorce.  One woman was even living in the house with her husband and their three young children.  God bless them, but I simply could not do it.  And, to make matters worse, both women continued to cook, clean, fold laundry, etc. for their soon to be ex-husbands.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!  And, both women claimed they wanted the man out.  Now tell me, what man is gonna leave if you’re still feedin’ him, cleaning his clothes AND tidying up the house?  Who?  If you find him, I wanna meet that dude (not really, but you know what I’m saying).  Shoot, with that deal, I wanted to move in too!!!

But guess what, co-habitation is not, I repeat NOT, going down like that in this house.  If John won’t leave willingly, then we’re gonna have to put him out painfully.

So, my game plan is to start by making John feel uncomfortable in MY home!  I pay ‘da bills so why should I feel uncomfortable here?  I shouldn’t.  He, however, should!

So how exactly do we make John feel uncomfortable?  We starve him!  That’s right, we’re not shopping for him anymore.  We sure as heck aren’t cooking for him anymore.  And, we can’t continue to store and tidy his belongs rent free! (No amount of rent will cover the cost of storing his no-good-for-nothin’ goods).  We’re gonna deprive him of what he loves most.  We’re gonna withhold everything he needs to survive.  We’re gonna watch him slowly shrivel up and die (yes, we’re still talking about the fat…I mean, I would never be so sadistic to an ex….).

I’m reminded of that song from Beyonce, called Irreplaceable:

“To the left, to the left

Everything you own in the box to the left,

In the cupboards, that’s your stuff

Yes, I bought ‘em, but it’s all junk (all junk).

 

I’m tossin’ your stuff, that’s right

I’m a walk and toss at the same time

And, there’s glucose all over your stash

I’m removing your carbs, puttin’ ‘em in the trash

 

Standin’ in front the freezer tellin’ me how I’m such a fool

Talkin’ ’bout, I’ll never ever find ice cream like you

I’m switching to Skinny Cow

 

You must not know ’bout me

You must not know ’bout me

I could grill some salmon up in a minute

Matter fact, I’muh have salad done in a minute, Johnny

You must not know ’bout me

You must not know ’bout me

I could have a house full of veggies by tomorrow

So don’t you ever for a second get to thinkin’

That your fatty foods are irreplaceable.”

Okay, okay, those may not be the exact Beyonce lyrics… I may have changed a few words here and yonder…but can’t a sista’ have some artistic license!

Anywho, I hummed that tune (which, as you can tell, I actually did make up on the fly),  while I cleared any offending foods from the cabinets, pantry (actually, my house is way too small for a pantry…but a girl can dream), refrigerator (since I don’t cook, I just threw out some stale Chinese take out) and freezer.  For me, the fatty foods were the Chips Ahoy Reese’s Pieces cookies (Jesus Christ, why did they make those!), corn chips, cheese doodles, bags (yes, I did say bags) of peanut M&Ms (farewell my love), and the Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

So, in the words of another wonderful lyricist, Erykah Badu, John had ’Betta Call Tryone (Call Him)’ to come get the trash I just put out on the curb.  That junk food ‘aint welcome in my house no more.  Why?  You know why.  Because…

This is Woman Vs. Weight!

~ WOMAN

Dear World,

Today was a day of mixed emotions. Today was bittersweet because this morning I had to break up with John.

No one likes break ups.  Unless you’re watching a Jennifer Aniston movie, there are very few laughs associated with the dreaded break up conversation (nowadays, I think some people just send a text).   Therefore, going into this, I knew it wasn’t gonna be fun.  I knew it would be tough.  But I was ready.  I ate my Wheaties (who am I kidding…if I ate Wheaties for breakfast I probably wouldn’t be at this weight in the first place).  There was no turning back and no backing down.  I was a determined Woman on a mission.  John needed to know once and for all that he and I were through!

I knew exactly how I wanted to do it and what I was gonna say. So first thing, right after my shower, while I was fresh and energized, I sat John down (okay, okay, when I sit he sits…afterall he is my fat) in front of my full length mirror (every Woman MUST own a full length mirror) and broke the news to him.

“John, this simply isn’t working out for me anymore.  Truth is, this relationship never truly worked well for me.  In the beginning of our relationship, it was okay when you only came around from time to time.  I continued to do my own thing and you did yours.  I hardly knew you were there. But slowly things changed.  You started hanging around for longer stretches of time and it kept getting harder and harder to get rid of you. And now, it’s like we’re joined at the hip.  I don’t spend as much time doing the things that I like to do because you’re always here.  I can’t shop at the same clothing stores where I used to shop.  I can’t enjoy the same activities I used to love.  I can’t even enjoy my favorite pair of jeans anymore!  While I thought things would get better over time, things have only spiraled out of control.  I realize that we have become co-dependent and that has got to stop today.  I should have confronted you about this sooner.  But, I can’t beat myself up about the past.  I can, however, actively manage my future. LOOK, at the end of the day,  I’m just not happy being around you anymore.  (I belabored that last sentence).  And, I’m not really that sorry to have to say this.  This conversation was looong overdue.  You’ve been suffocating me and my dreams.  But now, I’m ready to breathe.  I’m ready to soar.  I have a bucket list to tackle and getting rid of you is first on my list.  Here is where you and I must part ways.  I’m sure I’ll see you around town from time to time with other people.  And, that’s okay.  The most important thing is that you won’t be around town with me.  Goodbye John.“

Boy did that feel good to say.  But if felt 30 times better to actually feel it—To actually FEEL it.

But, I have to give it to John.  He didn’t go down without a fight.  He reminded me of all the good times we had together: all the late nights we shared eating ice cream in bed while watching Lifetime and Hallmark movies (don’t judge me!); the fun times we had shopping for burlap sack style sweatsuits, and the times (yes, that’s plural) we spent devouring entire NY-style Fra Diavolo pizza pies together while watching the Real Housewives (wait, don’t get it twisted, I’m still gonna watch the Real Housewives, I’m just not watching it with John anymore…some things are just sacrosanct).  And, then he reminded me about all the Cheesecake Factory cheesecakes we shared…did not the red velvet cheesecakes mean anything?

“Oh John…you’re making my point.  Instead of living life, I am eating my way out of my life.  Instead of working out at the gym, I’m laying around in sweats eating Bon-Bons with curlers in my head (okay, okay, I don’t actually use curlers anymore but the image makes my point more vivid).  Instead of skiing, hiking, skydiving or swimming, I’m ordering takeout and letting out the top button on my jeans.  I’m done with that life and everything that comes with it.  I know this will be hard for both of us since we have grown so accustomed to each other.  But I’m determined John.  (Then I dropped the death blow).  John, I’ve already filed for the divorce.  So you’re gonna have to start looking for someplace else to live.  We’re through!”

As I left the room, I could hear John muttering: But why?  And all I could think was…

Because this is Woman Vs. Weight.

~~~WOMAN

Dear World,

Now that I have announced my goal (losing 80lbs of fat), I have to attach a name to that thing I am waging war on; that thing I will be fighting for the next year; that thing I will finally get the best of.  I have to name my fat…all 80 extra pounds of it.

A friend of my mom’s used this trick a few years back when she was diagnosed with diabetes. She actually started calling her extra weight “Diabetes”.  So, when she went grocery shopping, she would say things like: “I will not buy any food for Diabetes on this trip.”  I thought that was actually quite clever; so I decided that I would do the same thing.  I too would name my fat.

However, I’m not going to name my fat after any ol’ ailment.  I’ll name my fat after something or someone I don’t like…or better yet, after something I used to adore but that I no longer have any affection for.  I toyed around with a few suitable options: naming my fat after a former evil boss (like the one in The Devil Wears Prada), an old college roommate (think Single White Female), or maybe simply Snuggie (seriously, who thought a blanket with sleeves was a reasonable addition to the marketplace???).  But none of the names I came up with seemed to stick.

Then, one day it dawned on me.  I would name my fat after an old boyfriend… a crummy, loser ex-boyfriend.  Eureka!

First, we have to make a list of all of our crappy ex-boyfriends.  Now, if your dating choices look anything like mine… pull up a chair, take out a piece (or two) of paper and grab a pen, ’cause this is gonna take a while.  Next, you just have to decide on a name.  There are the basic names like Chris, Paul, Sam, etc.  And then, there are the hybrid names (when one jerk’s, I mean, guy’s name just isn’t enough).  It’s a little like how they come up with the designer dog breed names (the fact that 4-legged dogs also have hybrid names is just a fitting coincidence).  Examples are names like Brayden (combining Brad and Jayden) or Martyck (when adding Mark, Tyrone and Rick). (Again, I had a long list to play with.)  None of those names stuck either.

I actually had a difficult time settling on a name. After all, this is a name I am going to stick with for a whole year.  And if the name is anything like their namesake(s), my relationship with the name will be…shall I say: lackluster.

However, like everything else in life, one day the universe spoke to me (it actually yelled at the top of its lungs) and said I should name my fat John (more on John in a later post).

So John it is!

And, today I declare that I will no longer be shopping for John when I go to the supermarket.  I will no longer order any food for John when I eat out.  And, I will no longer cook any home cooked meals for John (actually, I don’t cook for anybody…but that’s beside the point).  John is getting kicked to the curb! John will die of starvation.  John will suffer a slow and painful death from which he will never recover.  (Yes, I am still talking about the fat…I think).  John is standing between me and the vision I have for my life so John has got to go!  Why, you ask?…

Because, this is Woman Vs. Weight

~~~WOMAN